fear, baby.

Posted by:Jeanette LeBlanc on 21.04.11 In: {self indulgent ramblings} : 6 comments

You are afraid.

Yes, baby, of course you are afraid.  This is so much bigger than you.  Your heart is pounding with the magnitude of this space you are in.  There is so much risk.  So much potential for it all to fall away; breath by imperceptible breath or in one fell swoop that knocks your entire life into oblivion.

Who wouldn’t be afraid?

This is one of those pivotal moments, isn’t it?  One of those make or break points?  So much hangs in the balance and everyone is looking to you for that all-important answer.  And you are terrified.  Dear god, you are fucking terrified.

I am too.  We all are.

We have all got dragons to slay.  Every last one of us. When we feel the heat of fiery breath we either want to do suit up and do battle or tuck our tail between our legs and run for the hills.  Those are the natural responses.  Ones that make sense based on a lifetime of conditioning.

That is not what is needed from you now.

Fight or flight are not the only options – they are just the only the options we know.  The alternatives programmed into us by biology and history and a culture based on eternal escapism.

Not this time.

What is called for now – as you come face to face with this thing – is to sit still.  Sit very, very still.  Now close your eyes and take a deep breath.  Hold it in and let it crystalize.  Hold it in and feel it tingle right down to your toes. Hold it in and get comfortable with this space.

Now exhale.  And let it all out.

Every last bit of it; just let it out.  All your dreams.  All your expectations.  All your hopes and wishes and worries.  All your intentions and plans.  Your jealousy and insecurity and every single message of scarcity you have ever absorbed. Release your limiting programming and the belief that you are anything less than exactly what is needed.   Release everything that is holding you back.

Release yourself.

Now go ahead, and let your tears fall. Let them fall until your shoulders shake and a tiny salt sea swirls down your face and neck.  Let them fall until you want to scream.  And then scream.  Do it.  Scream and howl and get primal with this grief – because make no mistake, fear and grief are bosom buddies and wickedly vicious bedfellows.  Lean into this.  Curl your entire being around this and bring it home.

Bring it home, baby. Bring it home.

Now lift your head, square your shoulders and give your fear a name.  Coax it into the light and examine it from all sides.  Get familiar with it’s contours, it’s shadows, it’s heft and depth and form.  Take a step back and examine it from far away, and then get out a magnifying glass and get as close as possible.  Listen to it’s voice and feel it’s heat.

You’ll want to run away.  That’s okay.  It’s expected. This is scary shit.  But don’t go anywhere.   Just stay.  Right here.

This is the sweet spot.  Trust me.

Now inhale again. And listen to me.

We are not going to run this time.  We are not going to fight.  Not because we don’t have the power to make those choices, but because we don’t need to.  We do not need an escape route.  We do not need a combat mission.  We don’t need to repeat past patterns or old mistakes.

Why?  It’s perfectly simple.

Because we are capable of expansion in every available direction.

Because we are far stronger than we have ever previously imagined.  Because this time, we’re going to stay put and look this thing in the eye and be with it until the path becomes clear.   We are going to welcome it and learn from it and make friends with it.  Not a cautious acquaintance either.

Hell no.  We are going to make love to this thing.  Right now.  Right here.

This is not a time to play safe and keep this particular dragon at a safe distance.  We need to invite it in, give it a seat and perform the lap dance of our lives.  Escapism has no place.  There is no battle ground.  This fear is a part of you, so get straight to loving it, baby.   And just any sort of love won’t do – because this is one of those relationships where an empty roll in the hay won’t suffice.

Fear needs to know you’ll respect it in the morning.

But it won’t just settle for respect and a perfunctory kiss goodbye. No, not fear.  It wants you to bow down to it and worship it for the teacher it is. Give it reverence and honor it, because intimate knowledge of this thing will bring you more insight than you thought possible.  You want to know the truth?  Sitting with your fear and NOT acting will bring you closer to enlightenment than any fancy meditation retreat.

The not acting is the key.

When you act in response to fear it’s a moment-by-moment struggle just to keep from losing ground.  You can forget about moving forward and just pray you can keep up.  Acting from a place of fear makes us small; and when we play small nobody wins except the damn dragon.

The trick here is to engage in a tricky bit of transmutation.  If you sit still enough;  if you engage with the process; if you’re a steady enough lover –  then you have the power to alter the very properties of your fear until it morphs itself into something else entirely.

Something like Wisdom.  Knowledge.  Peace.  Love.

Life altering metamorphosis.  Swirling transcendent light.  Mind blowing tantric love-fests.  Groovy psychedelic highs.  Everything-you’ve-ever-wanted-but-never-dreamed-possible.

And those things baby, are more than worth acting on.  Once you’ve moved on to acting you can forget about the dragon, darling.  After all, he’s got nothing on you*

 

*especially not when you’re in the middle of a tantric love-fest.  Dude…that’s hot.

6 Responses so far.

  1. Jennifer Weston says:

    Thank you. Very simply…. Thank you.

  2. Rebekah says:

    Lady, this is powerful stuff right here. Man, would I love to sit with you over a cup of coffee and talk to you about this and what you’ve learned and how you’ve learned it.
    Rebekah´s last blog post ..Here I Am Again

  3. [...] know the power of words.  For my teachers.  For my circle.  For the beauty in the breakdown.  For fear.  For leaps of  faith.  For all the things that move me.  For lust and for trust and for the [...]

  4. [...] Fear only comes from the projection of what has not happened yet. What may happen tomorrow or next week or next year or in our next lifetime.  What may never happen.  Fear is an imaginary dragon hell-bent on keeping you small.  But your heart has done battle and survived.  Your love is a fierce warrior priestess who refuses to be contained.  You are what is real, here and now. [...]


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photographer, artist, daydreamer, inspiration catcher, mama, writer. human and brave, bold and learning. i'm just me, and i am enough...

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